Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Everyone has a Story....This is Mine. (PART 5)
In 2006 I Met My Ex Boyfriend, and if anything good came out of our relationship, it was the Fact that He Helped Me build my relationship with God, He Educated me, Helped Me Make Sense of Things, Showed Me My Way Closer To God, and I'm forever thankful for that. Eventually Things Just Made Sense, All The wondering Why i was going Through all the horrible things i was going through. Now I understood. Everyday i Feel So Blessed. I know That Everything Happens for a Reason, and I'm actually Grateful i went through Every one of the those horrible things. Because i can Honestly tell you that i don't think i would Be the Person i am today, if i hadn't. I love who i have Become, and i wouldn't change anything for the world. I have Become so Much Stronger, So much wiser, and i no longer am Bitter towards those people Who abused me. I feel at Peace within Myself. I know that things in My Life aren't perfect, and I'm still struggling at times, But I'm OK, All those Things seem So tiny compared to everything i have already made it Through.
I'm Still Struggling With My Mother, but i hope someday soon she will Realize what she's doing, My Nephew is 4 Years old and doesn't even know who she is when he does get to see her. Because she never puts in any effort. At one point she was living 15 minutes from my sister, and never once came to visit her Only grandson. He even said to my sister once "You don't have a mother do you?" -It just doesn't Make sense to me how she doesn't seem to care. My sisters are both constantly coming to me Crying about her, and how they wish she was more involved in all our lives, her Grandson's Life. We've all tried to talk to her about it, but it just doesn't register with her, and alot of times she talks about how shes messed up because she was Molested by her Uncle as a child. I feel as if that's just an excuse, I've been there to, and i could never see myself acting as she does. Its Been Years, and if that's really the case. She needs to let go of that, because life is too short. I pray she comes around before its too late.
As for My Father, He hasn't Been perfect either, he was very distant towards us kids growing up as well. I remember all the times i would be at his house on my birthday, and he would just walk around as if it was just another day, he would always forget. No Happy Birthday, No nothing. That always stuck with Me. I remember a few years ago, i was thinking, "what happened?" before my mom left him, i was such a daddies girl. After that, we hardly said a word to each other. I tried reaching out to him Later, wanting so badly to have some type of relationship with at least one of my parents, and felt rejected when he just acted like he didn't care. More Recently, He started calling me alot, coming to see me, asking me to come see him. Now we speak and see each other more frequently, building on the relationship we missed out on for so long, and i'm so happy to have him in my life right now. The way things should be.
If anything Negative Has come from all this at all. The only thing i can think of is That i tend to Push People away, when they Get too Close. I Have a Guard up, But can you Blame me? The same Person who helped me Build My relationship with God, also later on made me Feel so dis-respected, and un-appreciated. He Hurt Me so Bad and I could only Deal with it for so long until it was time for me to leave. Now i find its hard for me to give to someone else, what i tried to give to him. For Fear of Being Hurt again. It is something i am aware of, i recognize i have a problem with this, and unless i want to be single for the rest of my life, i need to let people get through. It seems like as soon as Feelings get involved, i want to push away. I'm terrified. A few Friends have told Me i come off as being "emotionless", but the truth is, I'm very Full of emotion. All my Life, through all the pain i felt, i walked around with this fake smile, i never wanted to show people what i was really feeling, I never wanted people to know i was hurting. So i laughed everything off. But i Promise Myself, I Will fix this. I'm Learning How To Give someone My heart again. I just hope they Realize...Fool me once, and I'll be damned if i give you another opportunity to fool me again. (LOL) =)
But that one thing, is nothing compared to all the positive things i have gained through all this, and I know nothing will ever bring me down to that level of depression, ever again. I thank God for All the Strength and Knowledge i have gained, and continue to Gain. I have a Level Of Self-respect and Self-Love for myself, i never had growing up. So many People don't have that, and I pray that they find it.
With All these things said, i Hope that some people reading this, who are struggling in life, who are holding onto to negative things(past or present), negative and unhealthy relationships with people, whatever it may be - Just learn to let go, move forward, Rid yourself of all negativity and Live your life to the fullest, forgive yourself, forgive others, and just have faith. Life is what you Make it.
Lastly, I just want to Thank all the Great Friends i Have in My Life,(Kyle, Melissa, Chris, Jermaine, Elisa, Amanda, & anyone else i Know im forgetting, SO SORRY!!) Some Have Been there Helping me through all my tough times since the Very Beginning, Others More Recently. Others Stuck around even though i tried to Push them away numerous times, Never giving up on me. I Love you guys, From the bottom of My Heart i Do. Also, Thank you to all who took the time out to Read this, I appreciate it! Thank you all x1000!! <3
I'm Still Struggling With My Mother, but i hope someday soon she will Realize what she's doing, My Nephew is 4 Years old and doesn't even know who she is when he does get to see her. Because she never puts in any effort. At one point she was living 15 minutes from my sister, and never once came to visit her Only grandson. He even said to my sister once "You don't have a mother do you?" -It just doesn't Make sense to me how she doesn't seem to care. My sisters are both constantly coming to me Crying about her, and how they wish she was more involved in all our lives, her Grandson's Life. We've all tried to talk to her about it, but it just doesn't register with her, and alot of times she talks about how shes messed up because she was Molested by her Uncle as a child. I feel as if that's just an excuse, I've been there to, and i could never see myself acting as she does. Its Been Years, and if that's really the case. She needs to let go of that, because life is too short. I pray she comes around before its too late.
As for My Father, He hasn't Been perfect either, he was very distant towards us kids growing up as well. I remember all the times i would be at his house on my birthday, and he would just walk around as if it was just another day, he would always forget. No Happy Birthday, No nothing. That always stuck with Me. I remember a few years ago, i was thinking, "what happened?" before my mom left him, i was such a daddies girl. After that, we hardly said a word to each other. I tried reaching out to him Later, wanting so badly to have some type of relationship with at least one of my parents, and felt rejected when he just acted like he didn't care. More Recently, He started calling me alot, coming to see me, asking me to come see him. Now we speak and see each other more frequently, building on the relationship we missed out on for so long, and i'm so happy to have him in my life right now. The way things should be.
If anything Negative Has come from all this at all. The only thing i can think of is That i tend to Push People away, when they Get too Close. I Have a Guard up, But can you Blame me? The same Person who helped me Build My relationship with God, also later on made me Feel so dis-respected, and un-appreciated. He Hurt Me so Bad and I could only Deal with it for so long until it was time for me to leave. Now i find its hard for me to give to someone else, what i tried to give to him. For Fear of Being Hurt again. It is something i am aware of, i recognize i have a problem with this, and unless i want to be single for the rest of my life, i need to let people get through. It seems like as soon as Feelings get involved, i want to push away. I'm terrified. A few Friends have told Me i come off as being "emotionless", but the truth is, I'm very Full of emotion. All my Life, through all the pain i felt, i walked around with this fake smile, i never wanted to show people what i was really feeling, I never wanted people to know i was hurting. So i laughed everything off. But i Promise Myself, I Will fix this. I'm Learning How To Give someone My heart again. I just hope they Realize...Fool me once, and I'll be damned if i give you another opportunity to fool me again. (LOL) =)
But that one thing, is nothing compared to all the positive things i have gained through all this, and I know nothing will ever bring me down to that level of depression, ever again. I thank God for All the Strength and Knowledge i have gained, and continue to Gain. I have a Level Of Self-respect and Self-Love for myself, i never had growing up. So many People don't have that, and I pray that they find it.
With All these things said, i Hope that some people reading this, who are struggling in life, who are holding onto to negative things(past or present), negative and unhealthy relationships with people, whatever it may be - Just learn to let go, move forward, Rid yourself of all negativity and Live your life to the fullest, forgive yourself, forgive others, and just have faith. Life is what you Make it.
Lastly, I just want to Thank all the Great Friends i Have in My Life,(Kyle, Melissa, Chris, Jermaine, Elisa, Amanda, & anyone else i Know im forgetting, SO SORRY!!) Some Have Been there Helping me through all my tough times since the Very Beginning, Others More Recently. Others Stuck around even though i tried to Push them away numerous times, Never giving up on me. I Love you guys, From the bottom of My Heart i Do. Also, Thank you to all who took the time out to Read this, I appreciate it! Thank you all x1000!! <3
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Everyone has a Story....This is Mine. (PART 4)
So I managed to Finally Get rid of Psycho Boy, But i Was still Struggling with My Depression. I always felt like that was it, i had no way out. It just seemed like it was One Bad thing After another. When would it Ever End?
I remember When i was in High school, This 8th Grade Girl from my small town committed suicide, Her younger Brother came home to find her hanging in her closet, And although i never met her, it still affects me to this day. I remember Crying for weeks. I felt her pain. I knew exactly how she felt. I felt like, if i had only known her, Been her friend, talked to her, Been there for her, I could have helped her through whatever she was going through. While everyone else around me laughed and made jokes about her...i cried, Because I felt her Pain.
On My 18th Birthday, My mom got into a fight with her girlfriend, and she kicked us out. So we grabbed some things and Left for my grandmas house. Now although this happened atleast once a month, My mom said this was it, she had enough. She told me she wasnt going back to her. She made things sound so Promising, we would get an apartment together, and even though financially it was going to be tough, It would be a fresh new start. I remember feeling happy for the first time in So long. I was beaming. I felt like, Life was about to get Better. I held my mom and we both cried, and i told her things were gonna be just fine. We could do it. The Very Next day i came downstairs and she had bags of her stuff together, She told me she had talked things out with her Girlfriend. She was Moving Back in with her, and She thought it would be best if i didnt come home with her. I was Heartbroken. I had Never Felt so hurt, So un-wanted, so un-loved. What did she mean she didnt want me moving back in with her? I cried Myself to Sleep For Days. All i ever wanted was To have My mom even act like she cared. Instead she always just tossed me to the side like Nothing.
After That i pushed myself so hard, I worked and Slept,Worked and slept, nothing else. I wanted so badly to Prove to Everyone that i didnt need them. I could Do whatever i wanted, all by myself. I Moved into My Own Place. It felt good. I was Independent. I fought to Battle my depression. I Didnt want it to get the best of Me, I was still cutting, but i was trying to find other ways to control my emotions. I felt Pathetic when i was cutting, Like i was weak.
I wasnt really Raised in The Church or with any Sort Of Religious Beliefs, Not that my Parents didnt Believe in god, because they both do, But we never really went to Church. It was sort of Like, "Hey, There is this God, and your supposed to believe in him" I really wasn't educated When it came to Religion. I remember being confused growing up, Wondering Why i was going through All these horrible things. Im only a Child, how is this Fair? How could He allow these things to happen? But it wasnt until a couple Years Later when Things All Made sense.
I remember When i was in High school, This 8th Grade Girl from my small town committed suicide, Her younger Brother came home to find her hanging in her closet, And although i never met her, it still affects me to this day. I remember Crying for weeks. I felt her pain. I knew exactly how she felt. I felt like, if i had only known her, Been her friend, talked to her, Been there for her, I could have helped her through whatever she was going through. While everyone else around me laughed and made jokes about her...i cried, Because I felt her Pain.
On My 18th Birthday, My mom got into a fight with her girlfriend, and she kicked us out. So we grabbed some things and Left for my grandmas house. Now although this happened atleast once a month, My mom said this was it, she had enough. She told me she wasnt going back to her. She made things sound so Promising, we would get an apartment together, and even though financially it was going to be tough, It would be a fresh new start. I remember feeling happy for the first time in So long. I was beaming. I felt like, Life was about to get Better. I held my mom and we both cried, and i told her things were gonna be just fine. We could do it. The Very Next day i came downstairs and she had bags of her stuff together, She told me she had talked things out with her Girlfriend. She was Moving Back in with her, and She thought it would be best if i didnt come home with her. I was Heartbroken. I had Never Felt so hurt, So un-wanted, so un-loved. What did she mean she didnt want me moving back in with her? I cried Myself to Sleep For Days. All i ever wanted was To have My mom even act like she cared. Instead she always just tossed me to the side like Nothing.
After That i pushed myself so hard, I worked and Slept,Worked and slept, nothing else. I wanted so badly to Prove to Everyone that i didnt need them. I could Do whatever i wanted, all by myself. I Moved into My Own Place. It felt good. I was Independent. I fought to Battle my depression. I Didnt want it to get the best of Me, I was still cutting, but i was trying to find other ways to control my emotions. I felt Pathetic when i was cutting, Like i was weak.
I wasnt really Raised in The Church or with any Sort Of Religious Beliefs, Not that my Parents didnt Believe in god, because they both do, But we never really went to Church. It was sort of Like, "Hey, There is this God, and your supposed to believe in him" I really wasn't educated When it came to Religion. I remember being confused growing up, Wondering Why i was going through All these horrible things. Im only a Child, how is this Fair? How could He allow these things to happen? But it wasnt until a couple Years Later when Things All Made sense.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Everyone has a Story....This is Mine. (PART 3)
I remember Riding in the car with my Dad, After He first found out about my Mom was gay. Right in front of me and my 7 year old sister, He told us she was going to Hell. That always bothered me. Not even because he said it to me, but he had no reason to say that to my little sister. Nobody Wants to hear that about their mother. As Much as i felt ignored and non existent to her, I still Loved Her, I always Will.
If There was one good thing about us moving in with Her girlfriend, it was the fact that i was moving away from my oldest sister. With her not around me, i stopped drinking. Granted i had moments here and there where i was drinking with my friends, But It wasn't a lot. Without the alcohol around me, i had to find new ways to release My pain. I was Born with Talent, An artistic side, That runs deep throughout my family. I started Drawing, painting, Writing Poetry, and i found my love for Music. But Eventually My pain was just too much, that those things just didn't Help anymore.
When i was 15 I Met this guy who was really Abusive, Mentally and emotionally. He was acting really controlling and obsessive. It turned me Off. I wanted to stop talking to him, because i was getting a bad feeling about him. When i tried to leave him. He blew up my phone and left 100's of voicemails, telling me he was going to kill himself if i left him,and that it was gonna be all my fault. I was so terrified, That i stayed around. I really felt He would do it. I remember he came to see me one time. i told him i couldnt be with him anymore. He stuck a loaded gun in his mouth right in front of my face, and told me he would pull the trigger. So i just kept staying, i was scared. i didnt want him in my life. Countless times i tried to break things off, and countless times he threatend his life, Mine, and Threatend to Kill my family and burn my house down. Around this time i Had Also Been Molested, which i dont care to get into detail about, and i was still dealing with everything else on my plate. My mom was ignoring us kids even more and Her girlfriend was Mean, she told me she hated me, she told my little sister she hated her too. Because she took Away her attention from my Mother. My mom did nothing about it. I always felt like, i could have ran away and she wouldn't have noticed for days.
Between all that, i didnt know what to do. I'd become extremely Depressed, i Really didnt care to live anymore. I starting cutting myself. I hated it. I was so ashamed. and i made sure nobody found out what was going on. I didnt wanna be judged, or people to think i was doing it for attention. That wasnt the case. I couldnt get away with wearing long sleeves at work to Hide the cuts. So i was cutting My Legs, and any other places i could hide the cuts. I realized later that in all reality. This wasnt solving anything. But at that time, it was my only release. Like i was watching the pain drip out from my body.
If There was one good thing about us moving in with Her girlfriend, it was the fact that i was moving away from my oldest sister. With her not around me, i stopped drinking. Granted i had moments here and there where i was drinking with my friends, But It wasn't a lot. Without the alcohol around me, i had to find new ways to release My pain. I was Born with Talent, An artistic side, That runs deep throughout my family. I started Drawing, painting, Writing Poetry, and i found my love for Music. But Eventually My pain was just too much, that those things just didn't Help anymore.
When i was 15 I Met this guy who was really Abusive, Mentally and emotionally. He was acting really controlling and obsessive. It turned me Off. I wanted to stop talking to him, because i was getting a bad feeling about him. When i tried to leave him. He blew up my phone and left 100's of voicemails, telling me he was going to kill himself if i left him,and that it was gonna be all my fault. I was so terrified, That i stayed around. I really felt He would do it. I remember he came to see me one time. i told him i couldnt be with him anymore. He stuck a loaded gun in his mouth right in front of my face, and told me he would pull the trigger. So i just kept staying, i was scared. i didnt want him in my life. Countless times i tried to break things off, and countless times he threatend his life, Mine, and Threatend to Kill my family and burn my house down. Around this time i Had Also Been Molested, which i dont care to get into detail about, and i was still dealing with everything else on my plate. My mom was ignoring us kids even more and Her girlfriend was Mean, she told me she hated me, she told my little sister she hated her too. Because she took Away her attention from my Mother. My mom did nothing about it. I always felt like, i could have ran away and she wouldn't have noticed for days.
Between all that, i didnt know what to do. I'd become extremely Depressed, i Really didnt care to live anymore. I starting cutting myself. I hated it. I was so ashamed. and i made sure nobody found out what was going on. I didnt wanna be judged, or people to think i was doing it for attention. That wasnt the case. I couldnt get away with wearing long sleeves at work to Hide the cuts. So i was cutting My Legs, and any other places i could hide the cuts. I realized later that in all reality. This wasnt solving anything. But at that time, it was my only release. Like i was watching the pain drip out from my body.
Everyone has a Story....This is Mine. (PART 2)
A Few Years Later My Mom Finally Got out Of Her Abusive Relationship. But She Still Wasn't Around. She worked 3rd Shift and Slept During the Day. So I was Still Stuck Taking Care Of My Youngest Sister. I was a Good Kid, i was never Disrespectful towards my mother, I didnt get in trouble, I wasnt Doing Drugs, Smoking cigarettes, or Drinking, I never Had a urge to. EVER. The Thought of Those things Scared me. I Knew they were Bad.
I will Never Forget, i think i was 12. My Sister Came up to My Room with her Bf, She told me to Take a shot of Tequila. I told her i didnt want to do it, I CRIED, i was so scared. and she kept telling me, Just do it, Just Do it, You'll be Fine. I kept telling her No, and she just told Me, "I'm Not leaving until you Take it." She just stood there and waited. So i took it. Than She Made Me take Another...Next thing you know, She was having me drink with her all the time. Next she was Forcing me to Smoke Weed with Her. One Time, She even had Me Snorting Cocaine. I didnt know any Better. I just knew, it Made The Hurt Stop. For the First Time in so Long. I didnt Feel Sad, I didnt Wanna Cry, I didnt think about All the Bad things. I Hated Getting High, and i Didnt Touch coke again. My thing was Drinking...I was Getting Drunk with My Sister and her Friends all the time While My Mom was at work. I was stealing Alcohol from My dads girlfriend and taking shots at 5:30 In the Morning Before i was Picked up For School. Anything to Make Me Feel better.
Then one Day My mom Sits Us down and Tells us, She's a Lesbian, She's Been Seeing This girl, and she just feels Right about things for the first time in So long. She asked us for acceptance, and i Gave it to her. Whatever Made Her Happy, That's all i wanted was for her to Be Happy. I Knew she hurt, I had seen and Heard Her Cries late at night when she was being Hit By her Ex. I Cried with her so many Nights, Laying In Bed, Hearing her in the Other Room. I just wanted to Hold her in my arms, and Cry with her. But I Didn't want her to know that i knew what was going on at that Time, and I didn't know how to show my emotions around her. She Felt so Distant From Me then.
So I was Happy That She found someone Else, Man or Woman, I Didn't Care. Shortly after, She Tells Me that Her girlfriend asked For My Mom, My youngest sister and I, To Move In with Her and Her Daughter. My Only Argument was That i would have to Switch schools again. But I let her Talk Me into it. I Thought things were going to get better. Maybe she would Spend more time With us. Maybe i Wouldn't Feel so Alone.
Things Didn't get better at all....
I will Never Forget, i think i was 12. My Sister Came up to My Room with her Bf, She told me to Take a shot of Tequila. I told her i didnt want to do it, I CRIED, i was so scared. and she kept telling me, Just do it, Just Do it, You'll be Fine. I kept telling her No, and she just told Me, "I'm Not leaving until you Take it." She just stood there and waited. So i took it. Than She Made Me take Another...Next thing you know, She was having me drink with her all the time. Next she was Forcing me to Smoke Weed with Her. One Time, She even had Me Snorting Cocaine. I didnt know any Better. I just knew, it Made The Hurt Stop. For the First Time in so Long. I didnt Feel Sad, I didnt Wanna Cry, I didnt think about All the Bad things. I Hated Getting High, and i Didnt Touch coke again. My thing was Drinking...I was Getting Drunk with My Sister and her Friends all the time While My Mom was at work. I was stealing Alcohol from My dads girlfriend and taking shots at 5:30 In the Morning Before i was Picked up For School. Anything to Make Me Feel better.
Then one Day My mom Sits Us down and Tells us, She's a Lesbian, She's Been Seeing This girl, and she just feels Right about things for the first time in So long. She asked us for acceptance, and i Gave it to her. Whatever Made Her Happy, That's all i wanted was for her to Be Happy. I Knew she hurt, I had seen and Heard Her Cries late at night when she was being Hit By her Ex. I Cried with her so many Nights, Laying In Bed, Hearing her in the Other Room. I just wanted to Hold her in my arms, and Cry with her. But I Didn't want her to know that i knew what was going on at that Time, and I didn't know how to show my emotions around her. She Felt so Distant From Me then.
So I was Happy That She found someone Else, Man or Woman, I Didn't Care. Shortly after, She Tells Me that Her girlfriend asked For My Mom, My youngest sister and I, To Move In with Her and Her Daughter. My Only Argument was That i would have to Switch schools again. But I let her Talk Me into it. I Thought things were going to get better. Maybe she would Spend more time With us. Maybe i Wouldn't Feel so Alone.
Things Didn't get better at all....
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Everyone has a Story....This is Mine. (PART 1)
So. I've had a Rollercoaster ride of a life. Seen and Experienced alot of horrible things, And i've decided im going to Share it with All Of you. Because im Not ashamed to admit where i came from, what i've been through. Because it Made me Exactly who i am Now. And if someone Happens to Read this, Who is going through any of these things, I hope they can learn from it, And They can get through it too. This is Me, This is My Life, This isnt just some Made up Story. Just Some things i need to Let out and get off My Chest. Judge Me. I dont Care...Because At the End of the day...The only People who's Opinion of Me i care about...Is Gods, And My Own.
*sigh* Where do i Start??? At The Beginning I Guess. LOL. For about the First Decade of my Life, Things were actually Pretty Good. My Parents Were together. Granted it was off and on, But They Stayed together Until the End of My Fifth Grade Year. I'll Never Forget the Day My mom Sat me Down and Told Me She was Leaving My dad. I didnt exactly understand why. But She Reassured me everything was gonna be Ok. Things were Going to Be Better, But I think Thats When The Depression Started. I moved to a New school, and i was so terrified. I was Horrible at Making New Friends, and was extremely SHY. After we Moved out, I never saw my mom. She was always working, or With Her New Boyfriend. I suddenly started Feeling Really ALONE. My Older Sister and Me always fought, so i didnt have her to turn to, and alot of times i got stuck watching over my baby sister. My mom also started Trash talking My dad to my face-Daily. So Much, that i eventually started to Believe everything she said. He was Horrible, he was an Asshole, worthless, I even used to tell everyone how much i Hated him. Come to Find out Years Later, The whole Reason My mom moved out, Was Because She Cheated on him with her "new boyfriend". My Dad Loved My Mother With Every inch of His Heart, Sometimes I believe he still does. But she Threw him to The Side For a Man who beat the shit out of her All the time. I will Never Forget Him. Even as a child, Everything about him gave me the Creeps. I Never Once could even look him in the eyes. He was Terrifying. I Remember Crying myself to sleep Most Nights. Just Wishing things were the way they Used to Be. Wishing this Man would stop hurting My Mom. I Didn't know what to do, so i just started writing. I felt SO alone, and my mom was so wrapped up in her relationship, It was Like She forgot she even Had kids. She had even allowed my 15 year old sister to move out, and go live with her Druggie Older Boyfriend. I dont Know what parent does something like that. It was like she just didnt care anymore. I Remember in 6th Grade. We Made This "About Me" Book, with all these questions about our likes and dislikes, favorite things, etc. One of the Questions asked us what was our Biggest Fear. With no hesitation i wrote "Dying Alone, and Unloved". Well, Apparently That raised a red flag for my Teacher. Because Next thing you Know i was in the Guidence Counselors Room, getting all These Test Done for Depression. Next thing You Know, They got me seeing a Shrink. Mindy, I had a few sessions with her. But I Never said a word to her. I didnt know why i was there, I thought it was something all the Kids had to do. After 3 to 5 Sessions. I stopped going, because my mom said she just couldnt afford it. Now I didnt Find out Until Years later, While having a conversation with My Oldest Sister, Why they Really Made Me Go. My Mother Had Found My Journal. I had wrote things about Wanting to Kill Myself. Talking about exactly how i would do it. "Just take a bunch of Medicine, and Just Fall Asleep." Looking Back on That. I thought about How sad that is, as a 6th grader, that i felt that way.
*sigh* Where do i Start??? At The Beginning I Guess. LOL. For about the First Decade of my Life, Things were actually Pretty Good. My Parents Were together. Granted it was off and on, But They Stayed together Until the End of My Fifth Grade Year. I'll Never Forget the Day My mom Sat me Down and Told Me She was Leaving My dad. I didnt exactly understand why. But She Reassured me everything was gonna be Ok. Things were Going to Be Better, But I think Thats When The Depression Started. I moved to a New school, and i was so terrified. I was Horrible at Making New Friends, and was extremely SHY. After we Moved out, I never saw my mom. She was always working, or With Her New Boyfriend. I suddenly started Feeling Really ALONE. My Older Sister and Me always fought, so i didnt have her to turn to, and alot of times i got stuck watching over my baby sister. My mom also started Trash talking My dad to my face-Daily. So Much, that i eventually started to Believe everything she said. He was Horrible, he was an Asshole, worthless, I even used to tell everyone how much i Hated him. Come to Find out Years Later, The whole Reason My mom moved out, Was Because She Cheated on him with her "new boyfriend". My Dad Loved My Mother With Every inch of His Heart, Sometimes I believe he still does. But she Threw him to The Side For a Man who beat the shit out of her All the time. I will Never Forget Him. Even as a child, Everything about him gave me the Creeps. I Never Once could even look him in the eyes. He was Terrifying. I Remember Crying myself to sleep Most Nights. Just Wishing things were the way they Used to Be. Wishing this Man would stop hurting My Mom. I Didn't know what to do, so i just started writing. I felt SO alone, and my mom was so wrapped up in her relationship, It was Like She forgot she even Had kids. She had even allowed my 15 year old sister to move out, and go live with her Druggie Older Boyfriend. I dont Know what parent does something like that. It was like she just didnt care anymore. I Remember in 6th Grade. We Made This "About Me" Book, with all these questions about our likes and dislikes, favorite things, etc. One of the Questions asked us what was our Biggest Fear. With no hesitation i wrote "Dying Alone, and Unloved". Well, Apparently That raised a red flag for my Teacher. Because Next thing you Know i was in the Guidence Counselors Room, getting all These Test Done for Depression. Next thing You Know, They got me seeing a Shrink. Mindy, I had a few sessions with her. But I Never said a word to her. I didnt know why i was there, I thought it was something all the Kids had to do. After 3 to 5 Sessions. I stopped going, because my mom said she just couldnt afford it. Now I didnt Find out Until Years later, While having a conversation with My Oldest Sister, Why they Really Made Me Go. My Mother Had Found My Journal. I had wrote things about Wanting to Kill Myself. Talking about exactly how i would do it. "Just take a bunch of Medicine, and Just Fall Asleep." Looking Back on That. I thought about How sad that is, as a 6th grader, that i felt that way.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
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